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Humor & Poetry

My Two Cents Worth (April 2014 Issue)

by Randy Mains

I love aviation humor.  I love it because I’ve found it always carries an element of truth.  Consider the following homework assignment purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. entitled:
 

Why I want to be a Pilot

 When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days. Pilots don't need much school.

A poem by helicopter pilot Marshall Murdock

The best among us are not among us,
You will not find them here;
They stand on distant lands and shores,
For freedom’s cause so dear.

Bashing a Million Bucks with a Hammer

Story by Byron Edgington

Back in Ohio I landed my first stable, long-term—I thought—commercial flying job. The position was with a start-up company in Toledo, with a brand new helicopter, and the promise of an experience many pilots never have, the chance to start a flight operation from the ground up. It was also the first time I got canned.

My motto has always been, “Have fun at work!”  To me, fun at work isn’t an oxymoron, a phrase that combines contradictory terms.  I suppose fun at work could be considered a contradiction in terms, like the classic Military Intelligence, or perhaps business ethics, or how about Microsoft Works or my favorite crash landing?  The thing is, if I’m not having fun at work there’s something that needs changing, and if it’s something within my control, I change it.

The doctor, nurse and I would stand by the helicopter in our matching custom-made University of California San Diego Life Flight blue flight suits looking as sharp as any flight crew on the Navy Blue Angels precision-flying team, (well kind of anyway) and after we gave our spiel someone would invariably approach me personally and ask, “Are you medically qualified, or are you JUST the pilot?”

The Night Before Christmas - Aviation Style

'Twas the night before Christmas, on the ramp by the lobby,
Not a copter was stirring, not even a Robbie.
The aircraft were fastened to tie downs with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.
 

Humor by Klank - One pilot skill that should be taught is dealing with the mechanic. This is some how neglected in the basic flight skills textbook. There was a great text going around a while back on “How to operate a helicopter mechanic”, but I feel that information was for the advanced pilot. Therefore I shall remedy the situation and write a basic piece that I feel should be inserted in your Pilot Operating Handbook.

DEFINITIONS
 
Mechanic: Worker skilled in using tools, repairing machines, etc, Source - Webster.

Mechanic: Worker skilled in using tools, text, voodoo, threats, intimidation, profanity, pagers, cell phones, and determination, Source - Klank.

I used to laugh at the chopper jockeys
And those things they travel in
I joked about how slow they are
And the way they pound the wind.
 
Some o' the guys got hoppin' mad
Guess it hit a sour note
Especially one called "Shorty"
Man, I always got his goat.

‘You the Pilot?
(Would you ever want to deny it?) By Dorcey (Captain Methane) Wingo


I vividly recall, while enduring the Army’s primary helicopter flight training, that to a man, we were so proud to be pilots! Well, not exactly yet, since we were still just a gaggle of lowly Warrant Officer Candidates and our silver wings were many months away, if ever.

Why helicopters are better than women.... By JH Visitor

· Helicopters don’t object to a pre-flight inspection.
· Helicopters can be turned on at any time, just by the flick of a switch.

The UN-Official JH Forum Posting Checklist By A JH Visitor

The forum at JH can be a rough and tumble place to exchange ideas. The following is a humorous "poke" at the Forum of Justhelicopters.com. It was submitted by a JH Visitor.

Shoot-out at the Corner Bar!
("Fearless" and Me Get the Short End of the Stick!) by Dorcey (Captain Methane) Wingo

'Long about nine o'clock in the mornin' me and "Fearless" Dougie Farfel pulled up to the dusty entrance at the front of the Corner Bar. The dust cloud we sucked along under our outfit's Ford pickup followed us on into the open door and billowed like thousands of tiny stars as we stood framed in the shaft of early morning light.


 

Musings of an unknown helo driver... by Author Unknown

Anything that screws its way into the sky flies according to unnatural
principals.

You never want to sneak up behind an old, high-time helicopter pilot and clap your hands. He will instantly dive for cover and most likely whimper...then get up and smack you.

 


 

How to Operate a Helicopter Mechanic by William C. Dykes

A long, long time ago, back in the days of iron men and wooden rotor blades, a ritual began. It takes place when a helicopter pilot approaches a mechanic to report some difficulty with his aircraft. All mechanics seem to be aware of it, which leads to the conclusion that it's included somewhere in their training, and most are diligent in practicing it.

 

Helicopter Industry Flying Descriptions by Author Unknown

GrandCanyon Tour:
get up at 430am, drive 90 miles to the ditch, have 5th cup of coffee,preflight,pee,get in start up,load up the midwestern beefeaters,fly for 30 minutes,fly for 30 minutes,fly for 30 minutes,fly for an hour,fly for 30 minutes,fly for an hour,Can I have a break? no ok,fly for 30 minutes,fly for 30 minutes,fly for 30 minutes,fly for 30 minutes,fly for 30 minutes,fly for 30 minutes,fly for an hour,get out tie down,PEE, drive 90 miles home, eat sleep repeat.

By Klank - Hot Start – A humorous (fictitious) account of a hot start from the perspective of a male EMS Pilot. Men are pigs. A modulated start can be a very simple procedure or royal pain in the ass; on one fine day it was the latter. Having gotten a different aircraft at the base due to maintenance issues was not an uncommon accordance and all our aircraft are pretty much the same. I complete my preflight and am satisfied with the machine I have been assigned.
 

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